Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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