Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
