What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
