If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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