I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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