she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
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