he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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