I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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