Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Randomize
