Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
