So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
