She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
pray to the hookup gods
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
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