I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
