Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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