Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I can't put those talents on a resume
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
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