I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
dude. I can hear the air.
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