The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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