if you like me you must not know who I am
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
We have started to decorate penises.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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