very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
