it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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