I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
