the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
