My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
