There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
