I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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