i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
