we're chasing vodka with high fives
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
