Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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