I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
