She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
