we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
