thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
