Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
And then he peed in my hair
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