I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
