my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
