Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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