omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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