puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
