Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
This house was built for laser tag.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
The air taste purple.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
