We're like a lot better than the average bears
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
