Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
