I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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