exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
do herpes really smell.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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