i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
