VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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