she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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