We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
