I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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