Im at strip club and am horny
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Shitshow foam night was such a success
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
