so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
