12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
