It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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